“The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choices words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.”

As I pulled out the baggage from my past relationships, sorting through each one picking out lessons learned, things to throw out, I came to see the journey of me through each lesson learned. In my 20’s I found myself choosing a mate on how well she looked as she walked towards me, how inviting the smile. In my 30’s I had graduated to the knowledge that the brain was a wonderful sexual organ, and like the clit it to liked to be stroked.  I found the art of verbosity, I could quote Descartes, Emerson, Madonna, and as the words rolled off my tongue I could see that my wit could caress into seduction easier than my eager hands. But, what I also remember is that as I was being pompous, her words sounded like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon, my ears were deaf, it was only the Y that held court. I will defend myself at this time and say that even though I was not the best communicator, all of this was under the guise of the sub-conscience.  It was in my mid 30’s when the clock was ticking, and as I held interviews for the love of my life, I found that listening was the “it” factor. The insecurities were still growing. Feeling that the world’s view was that at 36 I should have most, if not all the answers, left me insecure, so as I put together the recipe of what a good relationship should be I placed monogamy  as the core, the meat of the relationship, with a pinch of honesty, a dab humor, and of course compatible sexually.  At 49 I was left with me, the pieces of why scattered across the room like the glass of the broken picture frame which had once held confirmation I was part of a we. I wanted to put the pieces together glue them a little stronger this time and replace the image that my arm held so tightly with another smiling face. At 50 I found that gluing back the pieces, still left cracks, and it was best to look within, and get a new frame. So, here I am at 51, and as I pull the baggage down, I realized several things I want to pass on; as you lay your foundation in your relationship with yourself, friends, love one, the biggest block should be Communication, letting your walls down, talking, listening, telling her what you want, and listening to what she needs, reading between the lines, asking questions, Honesty, not only with the individuals in your life, but with yourself, this my friends is the hard one, cause let me tell ya, we don’t always want to listen to ourselves, Ego, it has no place in any relationship, there is a difference in loving yourself, and letting Ego rule, ego is just a symptom of insecurity, and with insecurity comes the walls, the barriers, deceit, dishonesty, and one more, find someone who loves like you. There is no blue print on how we are to love, the only failure is when we try to force our way of  love upon someone else.

So I leave you with this, the next time you say “ that’s what she says”, ask yourself do you really know what she says?.