By Cynthia Elliott

 

A lot of friends have asked me, why did I join a social networking site? My first answer was a friend invited me. But what really pushed me into filling out the profile?

 

I am an older, single lesbian living in “Straights Ville.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my “hood” and all my straight wacko artist friends. Sure I have a few lesbian friends and neighbors but they are “nesting couples.” Even though I’m older than most of them, they treat me like their “loser little sister,” always trying to fix me up with any single lesbian, any age, who has a pulse. Thanks, but NO thanks! So I thought if I wanted to meet compatible women I had better learn to speak lesbian again. 

Let’s get real, at my age the “well is running dry.” There are reasons why we “middle aged lesbians” are still single. Some have ended long-term relationships, some are just coming out (oh yes), there are “the commitment phobes” and the rest are just plain crazy. I had to learn the language quickly to spot the good ones. What was I going to say to a woman in whom I was interested? Would I remember to sound sensitive?  How was I going to let her know I wasn’t one of the “crazies?” Was I ready to navigate through this online dating labyrinth?

 

I started asking myself what is lesbian language? Each group seems to have it’s own language. Slang, inside jokes, banter, and labels. Butch, femme, soft butch, lipstick lesbian, boi, chapstick lesbian, these are labels that make it easier to identify us. 

 

But isn’t there more to speaking lesbian? I had been away from the lesbian community for six years. The thought of speaking to a single lesbian was daunting; not only did I have to converse, I had to learn to listen, to hear nuances, innuendoes. I had to learn what to say to be friends, yet leave the door open for possibilities. I had to learn to flirt in lesbian! 

 

After six years of talking to straight folk, I was known for my blunt to the point speech. Everyone knew exactly what I meant when I spoke. But blunt speech doesn’t work well when flirting, especially lesbian flirting. Sensitivity is the word of the day.

 

So I jumped into the lesbian social networking world on the Internet. I’m learning new labels. I fall somewhere between a boi and soft butch. I’m not interested in tattoo’s, leather, piercings, sex toys, S&M, bondage, butch/femme roll playing. I can recognize buzz words now: if a lesbian is looking for true love, she’s too needy; lesbians who spell woman with a ‘y’, Old School PC with no sense of humor; Bi or curious, RUN the other way; and most important, I’m listening for crazy talk like “How come there aren’t any honest/good/non-game playing/no-drama/real women out there?” Pleaseeee!

 

The 70’s political correctness I remembered has softened. I’m learning to play with innocent sexual banter; “Slap-me-then-kiss-me” jokes are OK now. Thank God lesbians have learned to laugh at themselves now. 

 

As I get more comfortable talking to lesbians. I realize that I am opening up the lesbian in me, the one that had shut down when my circle of friends changed from gay to straight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally “out” and accepted by all my straight friends, but I have been fitting in. As I become more at ease with talking to lesbians I am more at ease with myself.

 

Speaking lesbian is just a metaphor for getting back into the community. You have to live it to learn it.

 

 

 

 

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