By Anne Mawny

When I entered the room she instantly caught my eye. It would be very difficult not to notice her. She was beautiful, intelligent, witty and humorous. Over the course of the night I tried not to look at her until I was put on the spot by a friend of mine to read out loud something I had been working on. Once I read my work the conversation began. It was evident to several the conversation was converging on her and me. I’ll have to admit she was intimidating as I’m not use to being attracted to someone so quickly while being held within a captive audience. We joked with one another as we left the gathering and she soon emailed me with questions.

Within a couple of weeks we decided to go on our first date. Like most first dates it felt perfect. I picked her up and took her to a nice restaurant. The dinner was amazing and I diverted my eyes from her gaze several times because I felt like I couldn’t contain my emotions. She was absolutely captivating in every way and I didn’t want her to see right through me. I felt if she could see all my emotions I would lose control of myself which is something I rarely allow.

We went back to her place and continued with our historical first date. I stayed the entire weekend and found myself in a blissful place of amazement and contentment that this wonderful individual was so into me. Everything flowed naturally and with ease. Our comfort level quickly elevated with one another to the point that we felt like we have always known each other for decades. It was a major disappointment to leave but was necessary as we both needed to get to work the following day. It was the conclusion of the dream in finding someone who had the potential of being the life partner one had always imagined. We were virtually inseparable from that day on.

What I discovered was there were a series of red flags that were raised over the course of our relationship that I ignored either intentionally or unintentionally. Although our first date was the most remarkable date I have ever encountered I had casually forgotten that she left me in her house for several hours while she went to her parent’s house for a holiday meal. Over the course of our relationship she continually left me for significant holidays at home because her parents were not understanding of her lifestyle choice. I decided that I loved this individually immensely and sometimes we make sacrifices and compromises of ourselves in order to make the other one happy in our relationship.

Part of the recovery process has been the uncovering of these red flags and the realization that I had compromised too much of myself. After all I’m worthy of spending time with my committed life partner on the holiday as would be a married man and a woman. Without fail she would leave and I spent the holiday either with friends, at work or alone. It was painful but I convinced myself that it was necessary.

In understanding this one red flag I wondered what other flags were out there. Break-ups bring about amazing epiphanies or realizations of “hey, wait a minute” about the realities of the relationship. Although my friend became the object of my girlfriend’s affection I realized there were several others over the course of our relationship with who she became attracted too. Her affections for others became overly apparent each time she developed the crush on that person.

In reflecting in our relationship there were four occasions where the crush had occurred. It was embarrassing, painful and destructive every time these incidents arose. They were unmistakable as I watched my partner turn into this individual I had never met. The traits and characteristics were always the same when we were around these people; I turned invisible, she talked non-stop with the person, she was exceptionally loud and laughed obnoxiously at each one of their jokes. We spoke about these incidents when they occurred because no one should have to endure watching their partner act as if they were flirting with another person with the intent to date them if you weren’t in the way. Each time I brought it up I was quoted as being ridiculous and she would share my “jealousy” with the other person. Later it was a statement of my control of her in social situations. Although I was proven right at the end, she did have crushes on these people, I was told I was controlling because I didn’t appreciate her relationship with her “friends.”

At the end of the relationship someone has to be at fault, isn’t that the rule? Lesbians are notorious for staying together until one or the other finds another person reaffirming the theory the grass is always greener. Generally speaking that is rarely the case. The reality is if a relationship starts in controversy it ends in controversy. Our baggage follows us no matter where we go or where we store it.

So what does one do with the baggage? Open up the case, look through the contents, keep what you need, and throw out what you don’t. Too often I found myself struggling with my early lesbian years with misidentifying problems or handling them inappropriately. It is because I never dealt with my previous relationship baggage. It was too easy to move onto another relationship as a rebound, a band-aid to the problem, or as a distraction to the pain I was feeling. When we don’t clear out the baggage or work on mending the broken pieces we put new relationships through the relationship we just left. It’s a dysfunctional circle which ultimately compiles up to an unmanageable state. Never underestimate the time needed to grieve, heal and recover after a relationship. This has been a motto to me and necessary if I ever intend on having another functional relationship again. Otherwise, I’ll end up at the same spot with the same questions, “how did I get here?”

It is also recommended to spend time with yourself in order to redefine who you are. I find that I often lose myself in my relationship. Identifying oneself through others is dangerous. I’m now more appreciative of my age and past experiences. Although this breakup has thrown me for a loop I have recognized that time, good friends, reorganization of life priorities, re-establishment of me and a forward thinking mindset are good ingredients for regenerations.

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