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So I’m single again at 28, and this time I really wanted that breathing room, that sit back, recollect and grow room. This one hit me hard like I just got rolled over by the M.S. Dixie after flipping a kayak that didn’t have the sit-on-top feature, unable to flip it back over. Rough. I was now the new meat in the display case again and guess who came to get it…..the cougars.
If you’re not familiar with the term cougar, let’s do some educating! A cougar is an older woman who dates younger men, like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. In lesbian land it would be an older woman who dates younger women; I’m talking at least a 15 year age gap. I am not opposed to the notion necessarily, if love is there and if there is that amazing connection we seek, then lets do it cougar style baby!!
The first to try and devour was the 48 year old cougar. This one went pretty quick. All it took was a trip to the Riverside Theater. We got up to the ticket counter and the clerk turns to Cougar A and asks “Is your son a student?”! I guess it wasn’t all about her age, but equally about my appearance. No thanks!!
Just weeks after Cougar A, I met a 45 year old cougar through a mutual friend. She was very attractive and bonus: she wasn’t wearing polyester! We hit it off immediately. Although I enjoyed her company, I didn’t want to dive into anything, no lips, no ass, no nada and she was told on numerous occasions I was only seeking friendship. Apparently she didn’t comprehend the term. One day while out grabbing a beer at a local sports bar, she grabs me by the back of the neck and lays a hot, long, sensuous kiss on my lips that I was ‘forced’ to reciprocate. From then on we became friends with “special benefits” and discussed the “only friends” thing at length. Oh mama, that was fun…for a little while at least. For weeks we continued our romps of sexual fulfillment, followed by a tearful weekly conversation of her wanting to know if it will ever be more. I had to break off all sexual ties, and she knew why. We continue to be friends.
Now I know this whole scenario could happen if I dated someone my own age as well, and it has. Women are emotional beings and you can’t always get away with a “benefits” package. My biggest deterrent from the classic May/December relationship is me wanting a long term relationship and children. One day, I would like a bun in my oven or a bun in her oven, but being a first time mother at 45 means attending a high school graduation at 63. I don’t wish that on anyone and most don’t wish it for themselves.
So, I’m single again at 28. I love you cougars, but I think my new cut-off is 36.5. You can keep trying though because I do enjoy the attention!
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Hey Susan,
What happened to cooling your jets for awhile and spending some time with yourself to chill and get over the last relationship before you get into next one? You generally get the same type of person again if you haven’t worked it out.
Also, in this day of STDs, etc, did you and partner of the moment go to HOPES or somewhere else for testing? They had a wonderful poster at the Aids Walk that showed that when you are sexual with someone, you are also with all their partners and they with yours. We think as Lesbians that we are immune from infections but we aren’t.
Age isn’t the issue, it is our behavior and spur of the moment sex and quick turn around relationships that we Lesbians seem to love, first date toothbrush, 2nd date U-Haul. And we seem to go through relationships like candy and wonder why.
I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t think any of us do. I know I need space between relationships or I have ended up with women that were fine at night but weren’t in the daylight and both of us were unhappy.
Good Luck.
Susan-
It was very refreshing to read your article. I’m all about COUGARS (got a t-shirt to prove it…lol). At first when I met my blue-eyed Cougar, I was thrilled. But then the whole age thing….I’m 28 and she’s uhhh 51. It is extremely challenging because we are such great friends and crossing that boundary would be suicide to our friendship. What’s a woman to do?!? Dude, I’m lost without any answers- all I know is the next time I run into a “HOT Cougar mama” I’m asking for some ID to see if I’m legal. New cut off is 40.
Peace & Rainbows ~ Cali
Well Susan, et all,
I rememered in my past that I too was a cougar! It didn’t last long, she was 24 and I was 42. She was too possessive, and a stone butch, which didn’t do much for me, and is probably why I put it in back of my mind. We never got to the problems with age difference, we had some coffee dates and then she had a party at her place, where she didn’t like what I was wearing and wanted me to cover up my tank top (this was 1985). That night was the last time we were together. We went our separate ways with no hard feelings. She got involved with someone her age and I found someone (who was 11 years younger) and we had an 8 year relationship, so it all ended up well. My next partner was 3 years my senior and we lasted 14 years. I too have placed a lower and upper age limit for women I would date, no more than 11 or 12 years difference. I do think as one ages,some of the age differences become less but I don’t think I have the stamina for anyone over 11 years younger. Again, good luck and enjoy life, it’s a kick.