I don’t want another f-ing toaster oven!!

I thought you were top of the line, the most beautiful piece on the market.  Your tight curves and the way you lit up.  It’s been at least 161,280 minutes since I’ve felt your warmth.  There was at least 210 days of pushing your buttons.  You were slowly burning me.

The almighty toaster oven, the small appliance lesbians win when they “recruit” (always willing and wanting) a new woman to play on the lesbian team, or so ‘they’ say.   I don’t think we have recruitment offices like the Marines and I never actually received an oven!  Was that supposed to be hand delivered?

To be a toaster-oven woman’s first lesbian lover is an honor and here are a few reasons why:

Honor #1- Being a part of someone else’s first time can be just as memorable as your own first time: the smiles, the joy, and the “oh my fucking Jesus!” feeling, of being in a relationship that finally suits you.

Honor #2- Setting the bar is an honor.  What they get from you physically, emotionally, and mentally is what they will come to expect in the future or what they won’t want in the future.  “Expect nothing but the best from me” is what my step-dad always said.

Honor #3- You get to play “teacher”. Wink-wink.

…..and there can be a few challenges too:

Challenge # 1- It’s like a wake up call “oh yeah, she has a vagina!!!”, when your newbie realizes you’re just as emotional as she is.  The dude she was with before you could have been emotional, but men are really great at hiding it.

Challenge #2- If you have an ounce of insecurity in you, a newbie can turn it into gallons.   Now you have both men and women to be jealous about.  Arg!

Challenge #3- You have to play “teacher”.

Challenge #4- You get the really good stares and questions from those closest to her who were so used to seeing her with Johnny.

I never wanted to re-gift you toaster ovens or give you to the second hand store, but I needed to upgrade to something that lasts longer.   I really did enjoy you while you were sitting on my counter.  I just hope next time I score a seasoned barbeque with an extended (we won’t say lifetime) warranty.

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